Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
