My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
