I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
