Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
