so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
The power of my boobs compel you
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
