Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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