I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
as a side note pls kill me
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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