dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
