He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
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How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
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Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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