Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
