god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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