I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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