when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
