how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
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Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
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The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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