somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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