If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
