I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
