Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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