I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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