It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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