Need sex. Gaining weight.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
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no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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