just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
