"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just saw a hot homeless man
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
