I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Is it because I queefed?
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
