i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
