I didn't shave. On purpose
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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