no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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