I can tuck mytits in my pants
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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