I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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