dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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