Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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