You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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