I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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