Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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