This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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