My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
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I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
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I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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