My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
