im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
