He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I think I just shit out all my problems.
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