What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
