I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
