yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
