Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
