I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just found puke in my bra..
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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