Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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