I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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