Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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