I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
