So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
