Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
