Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
