If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
