we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
