I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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