When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Couch. On fire.
Randomize
