duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
