You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
